Thursday, September 23, 2004

Untitled Project #6

Billy Zane plays the head chef of a restaurant (called Baked Alaska) in a small Alaskan town. A kooky cast of characters, including the wacky restaurant owner played by Joe Flaherty, populates the town, which has recently been overrun with the rich (and sort of famous). It's townies versus the nouveau riche every week. Billy's kind of new in this Alaskan town, but should anyone cross his favorite townies, they better watch out.

Revenge is a dish best served cold... in Alaska.

Every episode ends with Billy serenading the restaurant patrons with a ballad of this week's adventures.

Untitled Project #5

CSI: Vancouver, BC

Mary McCormick (Private Parts), a former shift manager at Tim Horton's, is the sexy CSI sidekick to Billy Zane's emotionally damaged, former veterinary technician.

It's Vancouver, BC, a city rife with drugs and prostitution. This summer somebody's gonna get burned.

Untitled Project #4

Billy Zane is a clerk to a Supreme Court Justice (played by James Cromwell). It's like "Hardcastle & McCormick" but in the courtroom.

Billy was a law student that took the rap for the justice's DUI, and in return for the favor, the justice gets him a job clerking for the Supreme Court. Complicating things further - Billy is the only match for the justice's much needed kidney transplant!

A judge and his ne'er-do-well clerk butting heads and kicking butts as they work to interpret constitutional law!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Untitled Project #3

Billy Zane is a Blind Police Sketch Artist. "How," you ask? Billy's character is roommates with a professional police sketch artist, who (frankly speaking) is not very good at his job. Armed with salt dough and toothpicks, he creates 3-D portraits of suspects and missing persons while his roomie (played by Jimmy Fallon) sponges off his amazing talent.

We predict by Season Three the tag line will be "He Can't See Shit, and He's Goin' Legit" when Billy gets a job with the Police after his roommate is reported missing. Ooh, mystery!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Untitled Project #2

Billy Zane and Jaoquin Phoenix are half-brothers. Their father may or may not be the Lazarus (he could just be a Lazarus-type), this mystical paternity has granted them the ability to raise the recently deceased from the dead.

Do they have a mission? Yes, to find out the fate of their father and, if he still lives, kill him and set him free from the bonds of the Earth because for every year the Dad is alive, a single soul must take his place in the afterlife. A soul that would have otherwise continued to live. Oh, the angst! Are the brothers raising the right people from the dead? Or are they making things worse? Would they be better off doing nothing, or not bringing people back and just killing Dad? How do they find all of this out? Does a little man who lives in a cave and wears a white robe with an equally white beard tell them? No! Their mothers belonged to a cult - both died in childbirth, of course - and they were raised by a woman who amounts to the cult's den mother (because even cults need someone to clean the bathrooms).

Is there a conflict between the brothers? Of course! Jaoquin's character is afraid of what will be revealed and would rather turn back than continue on and Billy's character drags him forward by sheer inertia.

EDIT - 09.08.2004
But who will play Dad? Elliot Gould, of course!

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Untitled Project #1

Earleir today, as my brother Nathan was getting ready to head home
after visiting for my birthday, we got talking about network television
and how the networks have cancelled some of the shows that we found to
be most promising. This conversation was inspired by my purchase
boxed sets, and how we felt that the creators of these shows had
learned and not learned the lesson of working in TV,
respectively. Sort of like Chris Carter with MILLENNIUM and HARSH REALM.

But what has all of this got to do with Billy Zane?

Well, Nathan said, "I liked that show. [HARSH REALM] had that guy from THE CUTTING EDGE - I like him."

"D.B. Sweeney," I said, "I'd like to see him in a show with Billy Zane."

And thus the concept was born.

Billy and D.B. would play an ODD COUPLE-ish
pair of detectives. Billy would be the "by the book" immacualtely
clean one, and D.B. would be the rough around the edges, "whatever it
takes" one with lackluster hygeine. Together, they solve crimes -
let's say they are a private investigation firm that specializes in
finding kidnap victims and missing persons. Billy's character was
a cop, but disgusted and frustrated by what he views a corrupt and
ineffective police force, he leaves and goes into business on his
own. D.B.'s character is a slightly reformed criminal - a bookie,
who, after having to chase down one too many late payments, had decided
that his connections could be put to a more profitable and less
annoying enterprise. When we meet them, they've been working
together for some time already, so the rhythm of their relationship is
already established - that way we get to allude previous unseen
adventures and characters that are already established in this universe.

Is it trite? Is it a cliche'? Yes and yes. But the
casting of Billy Zane is what lifts it up beyond the mundane.
Billy and D.B. , we think, would have the chemistry to pull it off and
make it fresh and fun.

Have at it, Billy. Have at it.

Why Billy Zane?

Billy Zane is, without a doubt, in possession of the most expressive
brow and sparkly eyes known to filmdom. But that's not the reason
why he's the subject of this blog. Over the years, it just seems
that his name comes up whenever my brother, Nathan, and I talk about
various concepts for TV shows and movies we'd like to see.

I suppose that this would an approriate place to cite an example - but
that what the other entries are for. Or I could talk about his
performace in a film that I particularly enjoyed - but that's the
point, I like all of them (with the exception of TITANIC, haven't seen
it) because he's Billy Zane. Although I will say that he totally creeped me out in DEAD CALM.

I'd like to inaugurate this blog by saying one thing: Thank you, Billy. Thank you.